If you want to have something you have never had, you have to do something you have never done

Challenging yourself isn't easy to do. I try pushing my comfort zones farther and farther but it isn't always working. I challenged myself choosing technical / engineering university. I challenged myself not accepting to settle down with good man that wanted to do that with me. I challenged myself wanting to travel in difficult places and expose myself to all the discomfort that came with it. I challenged myself moving continents and opening my mind to the unknown.

And you know what?

I has always brought me positive change in life. Even though it put in me the uneasy corner at the time, when I managed to put it behind me, there was always a better path waiting for me once I have done that.

The technical education allowed me to get my dream job.

My dream job allowed me to travel a lot and get familiar with the Western world. I became fond of midday aperitifs in Italy and midnight dining in Spain. I grew accustomed to German and Swiss street order. I found familiar homey cosines in London and Paris. I learned to appreciate Poland with all our imperfections of young economy and post socialistic society. But most of all I gained confidence in moving around the word on my own. My dream job taught me all the routines and rules of single traveler. Then I became ready to move to the next travel level.

I challenged myself getting out of the comfort zone of the Western worlds and come out to see how life looks like in the Rest Of the World. It is so easy to become closed to the ROW and base our judgements on what we think is common to all. In challenging myself to go and see the world outside of what I was familiar with was supposed to help me with gaining that broader perspective.

By the time I turned thirty, I had my life checklist items to cross out, backpacking somewhere off the bitten path exotic was one of the items. And I am so grateful I did that. That I found the courage and motivation to plan and prepare for it. To save money for the air tickets. To think thoroughly my plan and then go ahead and change it, and change it again.

I hear so often from strangers that cross my life path, that they want do that too. Almost everyone dreams of exploring the world, of getting the feeling of freedom when traveling through unknown and unraveling hidden truths that are only known to the very few who decided to challenge themselves and look for them. So few get to accomplish their goals however.

We are not used to being uncomfortable.

We are not used to being curious.

We are not used to exposing ourselves to unknown. 

People who understand these simple truths learn how to push themselves and learn to overcome that feeling of discomfort and indulge in their curiosities. Change is always better than stagnation. Change is always positive, especially if you work on yourself and trust the process. 

Moving continents and landing in America challenged my whole world. I have been here for almost two years and I still feel challenged every day. And it is good for me. I know I will never lose my identity and that I will always be myself. I am not afraid of being the stranger in a sea of familiarity. It is just another perspective and granted, I have learned to recognize and manage my own reactions to people not being able to related and understand me. Instead of getting frustrated or disappointed I simply let it go.

Will I ever want to become those people who lack natural childish curiosity? Would I ever see myself not wanting to take my backpack and explore The New? Of course not. Once you enter that path of self improvement and once you find the ways of pushing yourself to do new things and experience unknown, you will never stop.

The key is to find the one person in life who will want to do that with you. Not only that, they will also inspire you to go beyond your usual you. Find the person that makes you feel like that and don't let them go. Find that one girl or boy that ticks the boxes and on this journey together.

It does not mean you have to be always physically together doing the same things. Your significant other may have their own challenges to accomplish, different to yours. The key is that you will understand each others needs and support each other in the process. When you both come back  home and talk over an evening cup of tea (or grab a bear, or glass of wine, whatever your favorite routine might be), you will be able to connect with them and talk meaningful things. Things that will keep that special bond between you. And you will share the struggles and the joys of your journeys. Because that one person in the whole world will be your best friend, your mentor, you partner in crime and your confidante.

This is my wish, to be granted a gift of finding that man. I keep looking for him.

The Animal in Them

I have been on one of the most popular dating apps for 10 days now. Long story short, I filled out my profile to enable the social context and start talking to people outside of my usual business. Despite of a common concept that the mobile apps are the "hook up" connection points and there isn't a soul there that has pure or decent intentions, it did not discourage me. I have always been trusting and honest, and it has always been good for me to be that way.

40 connections later I was really getting in the zone of chat-flirting. Talking to multiple people in the same time in a meaningful and friendly way. Making them interested and in the same time trying to understand who they were and what were their stories. 

All that buzz made me think about general dating business and relationships, a lot of thinking. 

To start with, I have been bothered by some simple questions. How do I really know who is on the other side? How do I categorize them and make sure I chat with the "right" ones? Is there a way to do it efficiently and recognize which ones are going to be "misses" and do it quickly?

Of course there are ways to be efficient with "swiping"; do as many swipes as you dare to do and make as many connections as you think you can handle. Then sort through the connections that make most sense to you and start talking to them. Initial filtering is done by profile description, by quality of photos, by the tone of their words and sentences, how they come together. Some of my filters assume that:

- a guy must have a meaningful description. No description or half a sentence does not count and it gives me a clear signal that either they do not care enough to put few sentences together to let others know who they are.

- a guy has no interest in conversation, pictures only can indicate that it is a true hook up for him.

- a guy has really nothing to say about himself (that scares me, what kind of a person has nothing to say about themselves? some real issues there..)

If his profile pictures are poor quality, I pass. If you want to really connect with people you ought to make this minimum effort and represent yourself well. True, not everyone has the skills to make semi-pro photos and I am not asking for that. But hey, we live in technology era where smartphone and other portable device ownership is through the roof. You really want to tell me it is not possible to have a decent photo taken or that you do not know how to take selfies???

Based on my initial experiences, here is my observation about types of guys:

1. Peacock

This is the type of guy that is handsome, sexy and uncomplicated. He has got his life figured out, usually no commitments other than professional work. Busy with long working hours and multiple projects, perfecting his current status in life. He will say all the right things because he is intelligent and experienced. He will get interested in you if you have a passion in life that he can admire, something out of ordinary that can inspire him (back to that perfection of his status!). He will give you his attention in between his tasks, he will be charming and funny. But he will also be busy and not easy to meet up with. You will need to work around his schedule to make it work. And god forbid if you make your own plans when he cannot see you. It is like one way street, he needs all of your attention but you are only one of his choices. Once he figures out that you have a life of your own and it does not evolve around him, he will be gone.

2. Bear

Gentle and tolerant, highly skilled on an emotional intelligence scale. But bears also like caves. He is the shy type of a guy that takes longer time to get out of his cave. He is genuine and will make time for you because he wants to share his life and build structured relationships. He will be slow and gentle with initial contacts, not very outgoing, kind of slow in  communicating at times. And he will be persistent. If you peak his interest right he might become your teddy-bear, he will slowly become that cute charming play mate, but never forget what he really is. A bear will always want to go back to his cave, eventually. Be ready.

 

3. Gorilla  

I was hesitating with this type because it could be a mix of a peacock and a bear??? I decided to distinguish this one mainly because they lack certain self awareness level that the other two posses. A gorilla is a type of a man that likes to be a playboy. He will have narcissistic connotations. Though unpolished on the outside which may put you off, in reality they are just the happy-go-lucky individuals with a disarming naivete. Often times he will be looking for fun simple pleasures, so do not get involved if you cannot handle that. He will be making demands, and driving your conversations in different directions. He will be up front about his intentions but not willing to put much effort into realizing them. This is quite a common thread - it is his way or the highway.

4. Weasel

Disarmingly charming with a quick mind and a promise of being awesome companions. A guy-weasel will disguise their intelligence if they believe it to be in their best interest. He will also lie easily, being a natural liar. His earnest persuasions will make it difficult to discern his true motives. Unfortunately this type of a man will also have no internal moral struggle with their behavior, since they believe that the end justifies the means. Beware because this personality trait can be very hard to recognize but a guy like that can shred you to pieces if he wishes so. I am a genuine person that hates hidden agendas so a weasel would be able to see through that and take advantage. Beware!

5. Lion

He carries himself with nobility. He knows that his presence will never be ignored or marginalized. Pussycat at heart, he will occasionally lash out just to prove the point. Energetic and strong, they respect strength in others and have no time for subtlety. They are dependable and predictable. They also feel no need to follow social etiquette but can settle any dispute if called for help. In relationships and in life in general they prefer to surround themselves with those beneath them offering leadership for those who need/want to follow.

I have not come across Lion just yet, I think I have been dealing with all the other types and when I think about it, these categories are distinctive enough that I can quite easily put almost every man I have ever dated in one of these buckets.